2022: A year of reunions, transitions, and acceptance
I always forget how much happened in the year until I look back on my photos. As I close out 2022, I’m reflecting on the lessons I learned and the memories I made.
Follow your curiosity, it won’t lead you astray
My intention for 2022 was to follow my curiosity and do whatever I wanted in my spare time instead of “shoulding” myself into hobbies that were “productive”. That experiment led me to rediscover the joy of gaming and immersive stories (otomes and genshin impact), designing our wedding bands, and starting a children’s book.
What you want matters
I’ve spent so long neglecting my wants in favor of the shoulds that I could no longer hear my wants at all. There is no such thing as a best decision. There is only the best decision for you. And making the best decision for you means getting crystal clear on what you want. You. Not your parents, not your partner, not society. Once you’ve honed in on what you want, have the courage to take action.
Change the goal, the expectation, or the effort
Stress results when the goal, effort, or expectation are misaligned. Re-evaluating each and adjusting is the key to letting go of stress. Is the goal really to get promoted or is it to make more money? Are there other ways to do that? Is the expectation realistic to wake up an hour before your meeting when you haven’t been able to do that once? What if you woke up 15 mins before your meeting? Would that be enough? (Spoiler, it’s enough time) Do you have the bandwidth to give this much effort right now or is it more sustainable to give 20%? Sometimes you only have 20% to give
Celebrate your natural tendencies. Especially when they deviate from the norm
We live in a society that values experts over generalists. So I’d always been ashamed of my natural desire to go broad rather than deep. I also saw how commitment and mastery paid off for my peers and wanted that. But I knew in my heart of hearts that going broad, not deep was what energized me.
A book that reframed how I saw my breadth seeking tendencies was Refuse to Choose by Barbara Sher. This book encouraged and even celebrated the fact that I loved to sample and explore. And instead of viewing when I lost interest in something as shameful, it highlighted that I got exactly what I wanted when I moved on from a project. That perhaps, what satisfied me was starting projects and exploring the first 20%. That the way I express my creativity is good enough exactly as it is.
Be your own biggest advocate. Let the world tell you no
Someone will always be there to doubt you, laugh at you, tell you no, that you can’t, that you’re not good enough, that you don’t deserve it. They will do this with the best intentions, based on their life experiences, based on how they were told no or forced to prove themselves unfairly. So let them. Let everyone else tell you no.
Your role is to be your own biggest cheerleader. To believe when no one else believes. To push back and argue on behalf of yourself. To ask the world to bend to your will. Because the world goes to those who dare.
Life is best lived via the scientific method
Life is not a precious masterpiece that you perfect in one go. You cannot come up with the perfect life plan and execute it. Life is a verb. You form a hypothesis and test it with action. You uncover your reality by learning what does not work. Tweaking and iterating until you’ve built a life that is more than you could’ve ever planned.
When there is internal conflict, listen with compassion and curiosity. Assume good intent
A common theme emerged over and over again in therapy this year. I’d come with an internal conflict that left me at a standstill. For example, the hardworking part of me would rage that I was lazy and needed to work harder while the self-care part of me would plead to slow down and that we were burnt out already. My old tactics of ignoring their conflict and hoping they’d work it out on their own or letting myself swing like a pendulum from one part’s extreme demands to the other only resulted in anxiety and lost sleep.
My therapist taught me that the same conflict resolution strategies used between nations works here too. That I, as the CEO of Kaye, needed to act as a mediator. Listen with compassion and kindness to what each part of me had to say (because at the end of the day, all parts of me have my best interests at heart), assume good intent, and negotiate a path forward.
Going back to my earlier example of hardworking and self-care. Are there specific aspects of my life that the hardworking part was trying to protect me from? Was it a fear of doing poorly at work? Could we investigate that with my boss or the people around me? Did self-care have a point that we needed to slow down? Can we slow down while balancing the valid concerns that hardworking has? Can we experiment and try some things? Yes, yes we can do this together.
Accepting yourself is a feedback loop between your body and your mind
You can plan as much as you’d like but your body will tell you if it feels right. You can set your alarm for 8 am but your body may decide to wake up at 12 pm. Instead of beating yourself for missing the mark, can you stay curious about what your body is trying to tell you? Are you more tired than you were aware? Are you naturally more of a late riser? There is so much wisdom in the body. Only by integrating inputs from both your body and your mind can you iterate your way towards a path that is the most right for you.
Learn what motivates you in reality, not what you wish motivated you
I always had this dream of being a disciplined monk who accomplished hard things via willpower alone. I’m not that person. I’m motivated by peer support, accountability, structured milestones, goals, and deadlines. In training for a race, I accidentally set up all of these things. I signed up for this race with a friend (Thanks Mason!) so I couldn’t bail. I sent training updates to another friend (Thanks Dem!) that was also getting back into running and we motivated each other to keep going. I used a training program another friend (Thanks Xin!) recommended that gave me specific milestones to accomplish each day that laddered up to race day. And the race had a hard deadline that I could not move.
You can do hard things even if, especially if nothing goes to plan
I ran my first 10K race after not running for years. Everything leading up to the race was a disaster. I’d injured myself so couldn’t train for weeks up to the race. Ate something bad the night before, didn’t sleep and had stomach-aches. My knee started hurting bad halfway through. But you know what. I still finished that race. I had this deep-seated belief that everything leading up to it had to be perfect in order for me to finish. And the reality of it was that none of it was perfect and I still did it. Hard things can be done, and are often done, in the chaos.
Keep your promises to yourself (or else)
My friend Ron (pictured above) gave me many a real talk this year (Thanks Ron). The one I remember and appreciate the most was this one. Keeping promises to yourself is like building credit. You have to pay back what you borrow. You have to follow through on the things you want to do. If you don’t, you lose faith in yourself (and ding your credit score). Do enough of that and you find yourself stuck in a loop of wanting to do things but lacking the confidence to follow through. Or a blackhole of credit card debt and high interest payments.
You don’t have to do it alone. Actually it’s better when you don’t
I’ve always thought of myself as somewhat of a lone wolf. I like hanging inside my own head. This year really reminded me of the value of community. My art friends that motivate, inspire and mentor me. My trainer that keeps me accountable and pushes me when I think I can’t do another set. My work team that chips in when there’s too much work and too little time for me to finish on my own. Something special emerges in the space between myself and others as we strive towards similar goals. I want to cultivate more of that in 2023.
You can relax without finishing your “homework”
Doing chores is no longer the price for relaxation. You’re not in school anymore. Those habits do not serve you any longer. Prioritizing play and fun and enjoyment is just as important as crossing things off your to-do list even if it feels wrong initially.
Your parents did the best they could with what they knew
The best play (“Death of a Salesman” by Arthur Miller on broadway) I ever saw captured this sentiment. All parents want the best for their kids. The irony is that while parents may be acutely aware of their shortcomings, those are exactly the weaknesses they’re unable to coach their children to overcome. Thus perpetuating the cycle of generational trauma. You need parenting from outside your parents in order to patch those gaps. Therapists, coaches, mentors, and friends help a lot in this regard. They can give you different tools that your parents never had.
You can give yourself all the things you never got from your parents
Instead of looking for those things externally, realize that YOU can give those things to yourself. You want attention? Go perform. Approval? Celebrate every accomplishment no matter how small. Unconditional love? Practice loving kindness meditation every day until you believe it in your bones. If you want to be the parent you wish you had, do it. Slow down, pay attention to how you talk to yourself. Choose different. Easy and hard all at once.
Believe what people do, not what they say
People can delude themselves with their words. But it’s much harder for people to lie with their actions. If someones’ words and actions don’t match up. Believe their actions.
Not everyone wants to hear the truth. Respect that.
You may believe that the truth will set you free. But others see it as an atomic bomb to the foundations of their self. The truth is a gift that only to those who want it. Otherwise it’s just you imposing your reality on others. And hey, you could be wrong.
You can have it all just not all at once
Life is a series of trade-offs. Getting clear on your priorities is key so you can choose the trade-offs that align with what you want. There will always always be trade-offs even if they’re not obvious to you at first. This is where talking to others can help. They can surface the trade-offs you’re not aware of.
Acceptance is a tunnel you move through
Similar to the stages of grief. Acceptance requires you to move through a tunnel of denial, anger, bargaining, depression until you come out the other end and accept reality. Kuma was amazing with dogs as a puppy. As he’s gotten older, he’s gotten less and less tolerant of dogs, often times going from 0 to 100 in seconds. We kept on trying to get him back to his puppy tolerance.
Denial: There’s no way he’s not good with dogs anymore. We socialized him ALL the time.
Anger: He went to doggy daycare. We did everything right!! How could this happen?
Bargaining: He played ok with that dog. Maybe it’s only males? Or males that are bigger?
Depression: He wants to play with dogs so badly but he reacts every time. We’re the worst dog parents ever and he’s doomed to be unhappy the rest of his life
Acceptance: As dogs mature into adults, their preferences change just like humans. While we may have socialized him a lot, there’s still a genetic component we can’t control. As an adult dog, he’s severely dog selective and does not tolerate strange dogs. He has playmates that he loves. It means that we do not allow stranger dog greetings on the street and that we ease him into new dogs slowly and with supervision. He can still have a fulfilling life.
The foundations are a foundation for a reason
I know and have known for a long time that the foundations that support my overall well-being are sleep, food, exercise, meditation, and creativity. I know this at my core yet it’s far too easy to neglect one of these when life gets busy. If I’m feeling out of balance, I don’t need to google if I have cancer, I know that these are the 5 I need to pay attention to.
You don’t need to mitigate every potential disaster. All you have to do is believe that you have the ability to deal with any problems as they emerge.
While this coping strategy may have have been useful growing up. You’re no longer in that environment anymore. Trying to predict every disaster and plan a million contingencies is exhausting. It’s taking you away from living here and now. What if instead, you believed that you could deal with problems as they arose. That you could wait for something to become a problem first before you dealt with it. How freeing would that be?
Thank you 2022 for everything you’ve given me.
Thank you for filling my year with people who asked the hard questions, who inspired me to advocate for myself, who listened with understanding and compassion as I went on and on and on.
Thank you to California for the sunshine and the quiet. To New York for welcoming back even though I said I’d never be back. For the crunchy fall leaves, the rain, and the freezing winds that remind me I’m alive.
Thank you to every crumb of food that nourished and delighted me. Thank you to the challenging moments for giving me an opportunity to learn, grow, and show myself that I’m capable and resilient.
(and thank you for making it this far! May your 2023 be bright and full)